DontFuckWithChuck.com's
Top 99 Reasons Not To Fuck With Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
6. How much wood could Chuck Norris chuck? All of it.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris! More than meets the eye, Chuck Norris! Robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influenceto have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Fat Chicks.
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing at it with his finger and yelling "Bang!"
14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles." Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "Booyah!"
17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.
20. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
21. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
22. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
23. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
24. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
25. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
26. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
27. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane."
28. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
29. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
30. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
31. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man's blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
32. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
33. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
34. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in one hour, and he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
35. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the Chuck giveth and the good Chuck taketh away.
36. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
37. There are no disabled people. There are only people who have met Chuck Norris.
38. Chuck Norris knows at all times where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
39. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
40. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said "Never question Chuck Norris."
41. Chuck Norris actually died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
42. Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
43. One time, in an airport, a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris." He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
44. Jesus's Birthday isn't really on December 25th, but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card on that day, and Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. And that's why we celebrate Christmas.
45. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it's a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
46. Chuck Norris once round house kicked every citizen in Canada with one swift move. When questioned about the kick Chuck replied, "Canada is for pussies."
47. Whenever Chuck Norris has an orgasm, a building explodes.
48. Oftentimes Chuck Norris will work local pizza delivery jobs; however he'll substitute roundhouse kicks instead of pepperoni and gunfire in place of cheese.
49. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there... in which case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
50. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
51. Chuck Norris appeared in the latest "Street Fighter" video game, but was removed after beta testers reported a glitch that every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
52. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
53. Chuck Norris possesses the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, and a green #4 card from UNO.
54. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours. His erections last an average of 15 days.
55. On the eighth day, God said, "Let there be Chuck Norris," but God had to put him into cryogenic sleep after he roundhouse kicked twelve Adams to death.
56. Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make sub-par cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.
57. A midget, a rabbi, a horse, and Chuck Norris all walked into a bar. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all their asses.
58. Chuck Norris' smile can blind a full-grown adult at twenty paces and has been known to deflect all projectile weapons, including rocket launchers.
59. As a young lad, Chuck Norris' parents warned him of household toxins that little Chuck should avoid. To prove his superior wit and strength, Chuck shattered a thermometer and drank the mercury, ate a handful of lead-filled paint chips, then chased it all down with a shot of Clorox. Disappointed in his parents, Chuck roundhouse kicked his dad in the head, and then ripped off his mother's left hand and bitch slapped her with it. How dare they patronize Chuck Norris!
60. Chuck Norris was actually born a triplet. His brothers are death and pain.
61. In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner will always be Chuck Norris.
62. Chuck Norris has a pet chipmunk named Boris Norris. If you tell Chuck that it's cute that Boris rhymes with Norris, he rhymes "your head" with "roundhouse kick," and then gives Boris a cookie for his troubles.
63. Chuck Norris thinks that MacGuyver is a complete tool because he doesn't have any facial hair.
64. In order to speed up the wait time for death row inmates, Texas added "Death by Roundhouse Kicks" to the list of acceptable methods of execution. The wait has been reduced from 7 years to before you step out of the courthouse.
65. The famous Dr. Marten Steel-Toed Boot was a vain effort to duplicate Chuck Norris' foot.
66. Fire does not burn Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris burns fire.
67. Fearing Chuck Norris to the point to shaking is an actual disease. Michael J. Fox is a sufferer. It is called Parkinson's Disease because calling it Norris' Disease would cause a worldwide pandemic.
68. When Chuck Norris does his laundry, he prefers the gentle cycle. Even though he can't feel a difference, he thinks that softer clothes help him blend in with mortals.
69. Chuck Norris rejected an invitation to Vin Diesel's house to play Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 because he was busy playing his Xbox 1080 and Playstation 9.
70. The first man on the moon was actually Chuck Norris. He did this in 1955. When those other two losers got up there, he roundhouse kicked them to Mars and took their space pod. But he didn't go home; he went to Venus to pick up sluts.
71. America didn't win the American Revolution. Chuck Norris beat the British by himself. Drunk.
72. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
73. Chuck Norris would gladly shave his beard, but there is no known metal on earth strong enough to cut it.
74. Humans are probed by aliens. Aliens are probed by Chuck Norris.
75. Chuck Norris still owns slaves. Mankind is his slave.
76. Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it.
77. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
78. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
79. Darwin was wrong: there is no Natural Selection. There's just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
80. The fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records notes that all world records are actually held by Chuck Norris, and that those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
81. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
82. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
83. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
84. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
85. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
86. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
87. God originally wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
88. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross; just never his own.
89. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
90. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.
91. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
92. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
93. Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn't racist.
94. More than 150,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
95. When someone sneezes, God says "Chuck bless you."
96. Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, he just thinks its more fun to kill people.
97. The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Coleman. He has not grown since.
98. Steven Hawking was the only man to ever outsmart Chuck Norris, and he got what he deserved.
99. Shares of Chuck Norris (symbol: KICK) have risen dramatically in recent weeks, and closed yesterday at their all-time high of 50 roundhouse kicks to the face.